Sibling Cutlery

This is the first in what should be an ongoing (but, for the sake of my continued existence, not too frequent) series: Evil Food. This is food that is aggressively bad for you. It takes something wholesome and good and warps it to a level of edible depravity seldom reached.  No mere junk food will be included here. These are over the top, punch you in the face, malevolent munchables. Comestibles that take some characteristic, be it heat, sweetness, fatty goodness, or what have you, and take it to the XXXTREME!!! Yes, that’s “extreme” with three X’s and only two E’s (also three exclamation points).

An explanation by example. Foods that are not evil: hamburgers, doughnuts, jalapeno poppers, steaks, chocolate chip cookies, Twinkies, bacon. Foods that are evil: hamburgers with Krispy Kreme buns, habanero fritters, five pound steaks, quintuple chocolate cookies, deep-fried Twinkies, deep-fried bacon-wrapped bacon with bacon-mayo dipping sauce. For more examples, visit these guys. For excellent evil food in the Phoenix area, visit these guys

So, Evil Food #1. A burger that pushes the limits of edibility, piled high with all things good and spicy, so hot the devil himself would need a glass of milk. The Hotter than Hell Flaming Hellfire Hellburger (from Hell).

(Don’t worry, it’s hot but also exceedingly delicious).

Ingredients. Insert evil laugh here.

Process the habaneros.

Mix together beef,  chiles, some black pepper, and a few dashes of Worcestershire sauce by hand. Wear gloves. Do not touch sensitive areas.

Form into patties. Making a depression in the center is a trick I picked up from watching Bobby Flay on TV. It keeps the burgers flat when they shrink under heat, and avoids the need to smoosh them down, which causes loss of the meat’s precious fluids.

Toss the burgers on the grill. Stare deeply into the flames and laugh evilly.

But not too long. There’s work to be done.

Fry 3 strips of bacon per burger. Mmmmm, bacon.

Fry sliced jalapeno and onion in a little of the bacon grease (well, no sense letting it go to waste, is there?) until cooked through with a bit of crisp on the edges.

Slice the avocado.

Mix up some chile mayo – I use 1 tsp. of ground chile and a liberal sprinkling of black pepper per 3 Tbsp. of mayo. You’ll need at least 1 Tbsp. per burger, more if you’re not a sniveling wuss.

Spread the chile mayo liberally on the sliced rolls.

As the burgers are nearing done, melt some pepper jack on them…

…and toast the sliced, mayo’d rolls.

Assemble the burger, stacking fried peppers and onions, bacon, avocado, and more mayo. Laugh evilly one more time, just for good measure.

And there it is. Bask in its glory. Tremble at its power. Salivate from its aroma. Pour a tall glass of milk, pray for your soul, and dig in.

Note: the rich avocado and salty bacon take a quite a bit of the bite off the burger – if you don’t include these, it will taste significantly hotter, taking it from intense but pleasant burn to OMG this is hot. This is from experience.

Garrick’s Hotter than Hell Flaming Hellfire Hellburgers (from Hell) – devised by my own warped mind

Ingredients (per burger)

1. 1/2 lb. ground beef (use at least 20% fat)
2. 1-2 habanero peppers, stems and seeds removed
3. Worcestershire sauce
4. black pepper (~ 1/4 tsp.)
5. 3 slices bacon (use thick sliced, center cut, if possible)
6. 2 small jalapeno or serrano peppers, sliced
7. 3 Tbsp. diced onion
8. sliced pepper jack cheese
9. chile mayo (see below)
10. sliced avocado
11. crusty bakery roll, sliced (use something with some substance to it)

Chile Mayo:

1. 3 Tbsp. mayonnaise
2. 1 tsp. powdered chipotle or other chile pepper
3. black pepper, to taste

Combine ingredients and mix well.

To make the burgers: Finely dice habaneros in a food processor or by hand. Mix with beef, a few dashes of Worcestershire, and black pepper. Form into patties, and grill to medium.

While burgers are cooking, pan fry bacon until crisp. Fry jalapeno/serrano peppers and onion in a spoonful of the bacon grease until cooked through. Slice avocado.

When burgers are nearly done, top with pepper jack cheese and allow to melt. Spread both halves of the rolls with chile mayo, and toast them on the grill.

Assemble the burgers, stacking fried peppers and onions, bacon, avocado, and more chile mayo on the roll. Serve with milk. Keep a fire hose handy.